I am going through a time where I literally cannot turn my brain off. I have to listen to books on cd during my commute to try and drown out the incessant buzzing. Even my dreams are being invaded. It is a disgustingly difficult thing admitting you need help. Simply thinking about it brings me to tears so I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. Every time I do I'm tempted to cancel my doctor's appointment. The hubs knows and my older sister know about my latest struggles and even that makes me feel so incredibly vulnerable. They have both been so amazing and patient but I still feel ashamed of myself for being hit with depression so frequently the last while. Depression is something I've dealt with for the majority of my life but lately I can't help but feel embarrassed and weak when I can't figure out why all I can do is sit around and cry.
One of the most frustrating things is that I have all these thoughts screaming at me and deep down I know I want to open up to those around me but I can't open my mouth. The irony is not lost on me that if I could open my mouth I wouldn't repeatedly shut down.
Even now I feel like I'm rambling. Its like being on a long journey and knowing where you're supposed to wind up but there's no map and no paths to follow. Not even light to help you through, just stumbling and falling.
I'm going to stop here, I don't think this is helping much. I find myself having a hard deciphering what is my personality and what is depression. Next time I'll try to be in a more amicable mood.
